If you are anywhere near where I am
with discernment, this may help you. I pray it does. If not, then I guess you’re
about to get to know me a little better.
Discernment in my life.
On this weekend morning I woke up
before 5:30 am and my mind wouldn't stop. I knew I had to write. So if this
helps you, thank Jesus, not me.
(For future understanding, a Big V
vocation is the vocation to either, Married Life, Religious Life, or
Consecrated Life. A “little v” vocation is basically the call to love, be a
student, friend, etc.)
Normally, I'm pretty good at being
silent in formation groups. #1 because quite often my mind runs too fast for me
to catch it. #2 because I'm generally bad at putting into words what and how I
feel.
So this is me being open to you now.
After this past women's formation
group, a new peace has arrived in my heart. A peace to be okay with the
unknown.
Any given week within the past year,
you could have asked me on Monday, "where are you at with discernment in
your life?" And then asked me the same question on Friday, and my answer
could have been two completely different things. No promises on what you would
have heard.
Basically the past year, I have been
open to either religious life, consecrated life, or married life... Yep, I
think those are all of the options.
"Whatever the Lord calls me
to," has been the general answer. There are some days when I've felt
called to religious life alone, leading into the next few weeks. There are
others when I see myself most at peace in the consecrated life.
The past month or two I've noticed a
shift away from marriage that has been lingering for a long time. This had
forced me to look deeper. Bringing about rediscerning marriage in a new light.
On the flip side, the past couple of
months I've realized that being open to religious life and actually discerning
religious life are two completely different things. Although it shouldn’t have,
this truth gave me some anxiety. This led me to believing that I needed to
start actively discerning religious life right now because in actuality I am
discerning no "Big V" vocation at this point in my life.
The truth is Jesus is okay with me
not discerning at this point in my life. In fact, I think He would rather that.
I think the Lord needs me to rest in trusting Him. He needs me to discern
"little v" vocations alone right now. For example, the call to love.
The call to serve, to give without ceasing, to be a student, a friend, and a
daughter.
In reality, if I knew what my Big V
vocation was at this point, it probably wouldn't change anything in my life.
Because first of all, I am not getting married anytime soon and second of all I
do not believe the Lord wants me to jump into a religious order at this point
in my life.
If I knew my vocation, the only thing
that would change is my need for trust and resting in the unknown. Honestly,
learning to do that will bring me into holiness more than knowing what I'm
called to. There are plenty more mysteries that Jesus invites us to that I
need to learn to be okay with and this is just a start to one of the mysteries.
I believe that I will not know my big
vocation in life for a while. I think it's because God has big things in store
beforehand, and He doesn't want me to get wrapped up in the future.
This not knowing, this waiting, that
seems like it would be an enslavement or chains in my life is actually a major
source of freedom. I must live in the present.
I have no idea what I will be doing
in the next few years. Maybe it's mission work. If He wants me to do mission
work, it's better that I don't know what I'm called to so that I don't have
anything stopping me. Or maybe it's returning back to a beautiful dream of
mine. Having that childlike faith. The dream of opening an orphanage one day
without anything holding me from that. Here's that freedom.
Basically, I'm okay with not knowing
my vocation. I'm okay with "not discerning my Big V" at this point in
my life because there are many little v's that need major work. I'm not at a
stand still anywhere in my life. I'm only beginning to grow in faith, trust,
and love.
Christ does not put a time limit on
your vocation. He gives peace and hope. Anytime you start to stress over your
vocation, return to the fact that Jesus says, "worry not about
tomorrow."
Pray for me. I'll be praying for you.
